It’s Not Always Good News

So to kick this off I’m getting married in a few weeks. Sounds like a time to celebrate does it not? Well to me yes it is, however to my family its not looking that way.

I have been engaged for three years and with us finally getting our house on the 12th of July (four days time from when this is being typed up) I finally decided to tell my family that I’m getting married on August 17th. Short time I know but I would expect a “well done” or “congratulations” or something along those lines, however  no.

I do understand this is a short notice and I do understand that maybe not everyone would be happy to try and get sorted to attend a wedding in five weeks however to be told out right that no one can attend is a very upsetting thing to hear.

I know I may have brought this upon myself by leaving this until now to tell my family about the wedding however to have my father tell me “oh my god what are you doing?” and “you know the foreign legion is still an option” is not quite what I wanted to hear. I have phoned the whole family and the rest of them are happy and seem like they can make it and will be over the moon to attend. I know having told them this yesterday I have another few days to a week or so of listening to everyone’s opinion however its my life, my happiness and my mistake to make if it should ever go badly.

On another point, as noted above I am finally a home owner for the first time and I have placed myself on the first step of the property ladder. I am also getting a puppy on the same day I am getting the house. I am over the moon with regards to moving into my house, getting a puppy and getting married however my mum and sister have issues with the short time frame and my dad thinks its a joke or laughing matter.

After the onslaught from family regarding the wedding I am very hesitant to inform they regarding the puppy but at some point I do have to let them know and I know its going to be another few days to a few weeks of over opinionated family members and everyone thinking they know better than I do about how to direct my life.

I have all the money and time in the world to direct my life in the manor I want and I know the family just want to look out for me but sometimes looking out for me is upsetting.

I cried. all of this, it pushed me over the edge and I broke down I’m my mums empty house when she went out last night, I could not help my self and I felt like everyone was telling me that this is not the correct decision and that all I’m doing is continuing a life long trail of bad decisions and this will all blow up in my face. The like my fiancee so its not even as though they don’t like her, they really do. but for some reason, buying a house with her is fine but wanting to marry someone that I got engaged to almost four years ago is just to  far.

sorry this is not a happy blog but sometimes life just gets into a bulldozer and rams its self through the center of your life and just brakes everything you thought was concrete in your universe and turns it into broken shards of glass on the floor of your existence.

I Bought A Dog

All my life I’v wanted a dog, a fluffy puppy to call my best friend. Growing up my sister was allergic to dogs so I could never have one,  I spent my whole life going to the park and watching happy dogs and owners playing in the park, knowing that I would never experience that because of my sister.  Now I am not blaming my sister for being allergic to dogs, its not her fault, but I always would imagine coming home, throwing my stuff on my bed and playing with my own little puppy.

So as I fast forward through my life for a moment, my auntie got a dog, we called her Bess and that dog was it for me, my best friend, my play mate and my confidant. I loved that dog more than anything. We went everywhere together and she would always play with me over anyone else. I grew up knowing she was everything to me and I was everything t her, we were inseparable. one day I went to collage in Glasgow, this is a cite that is 271 kilometres (168 miles) away from my life long best friend. Yes at this point I had human friends but no one can fill the space that a dog creates in your life and heart.

One day I get a phone call from my cousin, she was in a flood of tears:

“whats wrong” I asked scared of the answer in case someone had had a terrible accident,

“It’s Bess” she said in a soft tear filled voice, “she has died”

My heart stopped, my entire life paused for longer than I can remember, the world fell silent, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think, “your lying” I said to her, chocking back a flood of tears,”YOUR LYING” I shouted down the phone not able to control myself. How could this of happened, she has always been there, of course she cant be dead, she is my best friend, there is no way, is there?

“I’m sorry” once again came the soft voice, “she died last night in her sleep”. I chocked, I could not hold back my tears anymore, I crumbled to the floor, “but i never got to say goodbye” I howled down the phone. “I’m sorry” again came her soft, sad, tear filled voice “she always knew you loved her”.

I spent hours that night just crying into my pillow, my flat mates trying to console me and make me feel better, but nothing worked, my world had been shattered into a million little bits. she was gone and nothing I could do could bring her back.

After a few months of feeling like I let my best friend down because i wasn’t there for her in her final moments I decided I was going to replace the dog shaped hole in my heart with a new puppy, one that I would love and cherish for ever. This is the Eevee section of this story.

Eevee was a small Jack Russell puppy, I bought her when I was living with my, at the time, girlfriend and my flatmate. She was such a cute wee dog, I treated her like a princess, and yes spoilt her rotten. I taught her how to run along side my bike and a few extra tricks to show her off. I was finally getting over the loss of Bess. Eevee was my puppy, yes she had a few problem areas that she was not perfect on, major one was toilet training, she could never get the hang of it, she also had a nervous bladder so peed when excited.

I had Eevee for about a year until me and my girlfriend broke up (story for another time) and I had to move home to my parents. As I said above I cant have a dog at my parents as my sister is allergic so I had to leave my Eevee with my now ex-girlfriend. By all accounts she still has Eevee to this day, almost 5 years on and Eevee is happy and is doing well.

so for the last 5 years I have been back at dear old mum and dads, living happily, got a new girlfriend, well an old girlfriend that I have always been very close friends with and when I moved home we started to date again (again a story for another time). As this story continues along we got engaged and started to look for a house and a month ago we finally found our first house. Not too far from my parents and family, but far enough away that I have my own space to start my life.

We move in in the next few weeks.

Anyway as the title of this would suggest, yes, I have found a new puppy. My fiancée has always wanted a dog when we moved in together and I always said yes as long as we waited until we moved into the hose first. So the other day we were out and about and she said “If we find the perfect puppy, the us puppy, can we get her?” so of course I say “yes” not putting too much thought into it. As the day went on she drove out of our town and along the road to the next few towns over, I asked “where are we going?” and she replied with “to meet our us puppy” and god she was not wrong. when we pulled up I got out thinking how did I get into this but wanted to go in wit an open mind. We went into the sellers house and I was handed the most beautiful dog I have ever seen, cream coat with brown splodges, fluffy and cuddly with the most piercing blue eyes you have ever seen. I fell in love with her immediately. we were advised that her dad is part Labrador part German Shepard and her mum is a pure collie. so with her being part lab and part collie we came up with the name Lollie.

We pick her up in just under 4 weeks and I cant wait. Life is finally falling into place. I have a beautiful wife to be, a beautiful dog, a wonderful house and a job that aint half bad.

Now I know a dog is a huge responsibility but with the love and attention Lollie will get and the patience I have to help train her I am sure she will be the best puppy on this planet.

At this point I would like to direct your attention to the picture at the top of this post, this ladies and gentle men is Lollie, not the best photo but by favourite of her so far.

Why I Gave Up

I am over weight. Now I don’t mean hugely obese but yes I am a heavier set guy. on January of 2017 I decided i was going to loose some weight by joining a local slimming world class, it was fantastic. I loved going and I lost a load of weight. I think in total I lost just over a stone and a half (I now weigh like 13 stone 3lbs) and I felt amazing.

So good part of this over now let me get into why I quit and no longer go to a weight loss class and I am back to almost my old ways. Firstly £20 a month to stand on a scale and then be told how much you have or have not lost is a mental thing for me to comprehend, secondly I did it wrong, I went from BK and bakery food straight onto salad and chicken. like I went from nothing healthy straight to nothing unhealthy. Now most of you are probably thinking that that is precisely what yo are supposed to do, full diet change, and yes to an extent you are however I was eating only salad and chicken, a few natural 0% fat yogurts and some plain pasta. Obviously fruit played a huge part of this new diet and to be honest that is what kept me on track most of the time.

Now as a diabetic I have to eat certain foods to stay alive, but on this diet those foods were considered bad for you and would damage your weight loss. I slowly started to loose control of my diabetes which was not good for my health. I was stuck between eating healthy and managing my medical condition.

Now I did try to adjust what I ate to match p with what I needed to eat to keep my bloods correct, however after years of eating badly I had no idea how to manage my diabetes eating healthy. I did seek  medical help however the NHS are not the best people to get advise from as they just don’t seem to care much these days. So anyway I decided for the time being until I have full and 100% control of my diabetes I will go back to eating normal foods.

Now saying I have given up does not mean I am back to eating the exact same foods on the same scale as I have before. I have decided to still eat loads of fruit and change up some dinner foods to be more vegetable orientated. Now I will also admit I do snack on bad foods when I am at work and stressed but if you don’t then maybe you should try it, its amazing. I am not gaining weight anymore however its not being lost at the same rate however I am getting my control back for my diabetes which is way more important.

Maybe some day I can get to the perfect body image I want, for now though I guess eat better is the best I can hope for. I know diabetes can be managed on a diet but I found it very hard and with no guidance I got scared and quit. That is the reason I gave up, not for lack of trying, but rather fear of putting my self back into hospital with another diabetic attack. I will go into that story some other time, but for now know this. Yes I got scared and yes I could have gone on and maybe got on track with a little bit more hard work, but fear of what can happen with poor control of diabetes was too much for me to handle.

Sorry guys.

One Out Of Two

Yes that is correct, according to a new study done my Cancer Research UK one out of two people in the UK born after 1960 will at some point develop some kind of cancer.

Now the above is not just for blogging purpose but is in facet the only way I can think to start this story.

About a year ago my beloved granny developed lung cancer. Now yes she has smoked all of her live and no she never stopped even after developing lung cancer, however this does not help any when you are told the woman who you thought would be around forever may be dying. I was told after a lot of my family already knew, as with most news in my family I am the last to know. I was informed that she had stage 4 lung cancer and may not have long left. I have never felt more upset and alone.

I love my granny more than anything in this world she is a matriarch to the family and someone who I have always respected. I don’t know how many of you out there have had the misfortune to experience the feeling of emptiness that you get when you are given the news that someone you love dearly is not going to be around for long but let me tell you its worse than anything you are ever going to experience. Granny, Mother, Father Granddad, Sister, Brother, other half its not always going to feel the same, but it will always take you to the same dark place where you finally realize that we are all mortal and no one is going to be around forever.

Now yes I have experienced death before in my family and yes it was heart breaking, however it is different knowing someone close to you died in their sleep passing peacefully into what ever is next for us. Being told that someone you love will suffer going through treatment for something you are being told is less likely to work than winning the lottery is a whole lot worse. Yes the person who is ill will be the one suffering but having to watch the person who you were brought up believing was the strongest person in your life be brought down my an invisible force, its not nice.

For a few months my granny was in and out of chemotherapy and radiotherapy to try and remove the melon sized cancer lump from inside her. She lost the thing that made her most proud, her hair, my family did all chip in and buy her a real hair wig and she was happy for that but you could tell it was not the same for her. she bought a woolly hat and she wore that everywhere and in front of everyone even family. she hated loosing her hair.

I remember during the summer we all got together, the whole family, and we had a lovely day at my granny’s in the sun, we made a buffet of food, all the kids were there, my granny was surrounded by everyone who loved her. we got some beautiful photos and some memories that will last forever.

My granny didn’t like many of the photos as she had her hat on in them, but she still had an amazing day.

Now I know where this sounds like it is going and let me assure you now, my beloved granny is still with us and as of a few months ago has made a full recovery and is, as far as I know, 100% cancer free. She still has to put her hat on as the chemotherapy has permanently destroyed her hair, but she is alive and doing better than ever.

I have been chocking back tears during writing this as, though my family may not see it, it is very upsetting for me and writing about it makes it all come back, the first time I was told, the first time I seen her with her hair falling out, her at her weakest. But I never doubted my granny, I knew she could beat it and she did.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope this encourages you to go an visit the ones you love. they will not be around forever and when they are gone that’s it. So please go and see someone you love, tell them what they mean to you and when it is there time, be there, be strong and they will always live on in your heart. Also on this Cancer Awareness Day please donate and help share awareness for all cancers. You may not be affected now, but you never know what may happen tomorrow.

Diabetic life

So I am a type 1 diabetic and there are things that I have found that I do different and things that I have found out all diabetics do. I work in an office with a young 20 something year old girl who is type 1 and a lovely close friend of mine who’s boyfriend is also type one diabetic so for this I have asked about and found out some very interesting information.

Firstly before I go any further let me just clarify what a diabetic is. The diabetes.co.uk definition of a type one diabetic is: “Someone who’s insulin-producing cells in the body have been destroyed and the body is unable to produce any insulin.” Now to me that does not tell you much about how I feel about diabetes and how many millions of diabetics around the world feel about this illness (I hate calling it that,but that is what it is). Diabetes can happen to anyone at anytime of their life. I was two but I know people well past middle age who have been diagnosed.

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at a very young age, just before my second birthday.At this age I had no idea what was happening and according to my parents I thought they hated me. one day I’m happy and living life to its fullest then i became very ill, lost a lot of weight and was drinking water like it was going out of fashion, my mother took me to the local hospital where they told her what was wrong. Looking back on this I can only imagine how my parents must have felt thinking the worst and having no idea what this illness was or how to treat it. Thankfully the wonderful people at my local hospital were able to guide my parents and keep me alive long enough to be able to look after myself.

To me and most people I know diabetes is no big deal, yes it can kill me if not looked after and even not killing me, however with everyone in my life aware of my diabetes it means if anything ever goes wrong I don’t have to try and explain what is going on.

Now I am most definitely not saying diabetes has no down sides, sadly it has many. The lasting effects of badly controlled diabetes can cause a lot of health problems. The main health implications include loss of a limb such as a leg, foot or hand, there is the loss of sight and opening your body up to infection easier than a well controlled diabetic. I have seen people who look drunk in the street, falling over, slurred words being avoided because everyone thinks that the person is just drunk, but in fact it a diabetic who’s blood glucose is dropping beyond a manageable level.

Thankfully its not all doom and gloom and it is a fairly easy thing to control. For 99% of diabetics they have a blood glucose meter and one or two insulin pens. the glucose meter is a small device about the size of an old tamagotchi (for those of us old enough to remember them) that in general, you prick your finger with a lancet (needle) to get a drop of blood, Then you place the blood on a disposable “test strip” that is inserted in your meter. The test strip contains chemicals that react with glucose. Some meters measure the amount of electricity that passes through the test strip to produce a number to represent the amount of sugar (glucose) in your blood.

The insulin pens are as they sound, a large pen looking device that has a hypodermic needle on it that you inject into your body to lower the amount of sugar in your blood.

The above is a very simplistic version of the diabetes treatment and for any diabetic reading this, I do understand I missed a lot out but trust me anyone without Diabetes who wants to know can google this or ask me, if you don’t want to know then let me move on.

Life with diabetes does have its draw backs, you must always test your bloods before and after eating, inject insulin before eating, test bloods before doing any activity (yes including that sadly) and everything you fell sick everyone assumes that its due to the diabetes and not because maybe you are human and can get a cold or stomach bug.

But thankfully its not an end to your life if you have this, there is a gold medalist in rowing Sir Steve Redgrave is a proud type one diabetic. I my self do a lot of mountain biking and I have never had any issues with my diabetes interfering with my biking. As long as you think a head then life is still as open for you as it is for everyone else.

So for all of you diabetics out there, both old and young, new and old to diabetes please remember you are not alone and we need to look out for one and other. And for all of you out there who never knew this was a thing, please remember, that person falling over asking for help on the street may be dying not just drunk. Stop, help and maybe, just maybe you can change a persons live by saving it rather than just assuming he is drunk.

 

 

The Human Flaw

why is telling lies our default? why is it always so easy to lie rather than just telling the truth?

Is the truth so much effort that we don’t want to or is it just we find deceiving others so invigorating that we become addicted and can not help it?

some of the most common lies told are always the easiest to avoid. Simple ones like “have you read the terms and conditions” no one has ever said no to that question and I doubt 99% of people have actually read them. Other questions we lie about are “are you OK”, “are you my friend”, “do you love me………..”

Most people will not admit to lying, even little white lies are seen as horrible no matter how good the intentions are. now I’m not condoning lying to anyone about anything but just consider this. If everyone was 100% honest 100% of the time, how would you feel, knowing your loved ones are tortured by hidden demons or that the person who said they love you more than anything in this world actually looks at other women when your not looking.

myths, legends and tall tails are embedded in modern culture. Loch ness monster, bigfoot, the abominable snowman are all stories we have been brought up listing to and believing in. These are some of the most popular lies ever told and they have been told so much that they have become a part of life for most of us, debating if they are real, spending hours looking for proof or for a select few spending our lives hunting for them. “A lie told often enough becomes the truth” – Vladimir Lenin

This world is full of lies made to make you feel good, to make you forget and somethings that don’t even seem like a lie. Does that burger you just ordered look like the picture in the shop window? is that model in your magazine look like that 24/7? do you look the same with out your make-up? do you act the same with her as you do around your friends? do you actually love then?

No mater who you have to lie to and what you must lie to them about, please always remember one thing please; do not lie if you do not have to and always be true to yourself. No matter what happens in your life please always stay true to yourself. hide what you must, hell I’m not here to judge or tell you not to lie, but just never lie to yourself as that is the hardest thing to get over.

I have been lied to, stolen from and cheated on in my life and the pain of that betrayal did eventually subside, but when I have lied to my self to try and save my own feelings I have ended up being hurt more than all the other times put together.

Regardless of how confused your intellect may become, your emotions will never lie to you.

Food For Thought

We all need food to survive but have you ever thought about the foods that are out there? The foods that most of us wouldn’t consider foods? 

Did you know that beef is around 26% protein per pound? Some actually may know that one. But did you know a cockroach is around 83% proteins per pound? Insects are huge sources of protein. There are a lo of reasons out eastern relations eat insects and seeds. Would you eat an insect? And I’m not talking your bush tucka trials from that to show “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” I mean being so hungry that picking up a cricket, cockroach, mealworm or any other creepy crawley slimy insect or larva? 

In the U.K on a street vendor cart you are offered hotdogs, burgers even ice-cream. This is to us normal food. However is we go a few thousand miles east and those burger vendors turn into rice, vegetables, soup and yes you guessed it insects. Now I don’t mean (in most cases) live insects, I mean candied crickets, roasted locusts, honey dew ants, and cockroaches. These come in many different forms and flavours; however the one thing that stays the same is the key ingredient, insects. 

I will say that not everything changes, you have egg and noodle soup with chicken, fish and I mean lots of fish, fish in currys, fish in soup, fish with rice and vegetables, and our all favourite sushi again in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, flavours and colours. 

Now these are thousands of other foods you can find in Asia and they have still not hit the weird foods, Rocky Mountain oysters for example, to jump back to western culture for a moment, are “made of bull, pig or sheep testicles. The organs are often deep-fried after being peeled, coated in flour, pepper and salt, and sometimes pounded flat”. That to me at least sounds worse than all of the insects listed above. 

Anyway I know I have missed out 99% of foods in this world that are weird and wonderful so if you know of some uber weird food please tell me about them. I would love to add them to my bucket list. 

Who Knows You? 

“I know my child, they would never do that”

I don’t know how often I heard those words as a child. Doing things that my mum couldn’t believe. Not just bad things but things she thought I couldn’t do both good and bad.

It’s not until you think back and you realise how many times you have surprised and shocked those closest to you and it makes you think “does anyone really know me”? For that matter do I really know my self? And the answer is I don’t know.

I have been described as the nicest sweetest person people have ever met and I have also been described as a horrible evil human being but I don’t know which one is me and if either of them are; maybe it’s both of them? It’s hard to think you can be loving and kind as well as stone cold and emotionless in the same breath.

I always see these couples who “tell each other everything” and I always wonder how true that is. Do they actually tell each other everything or is that just for show? I mean I don’t tell people everything. My closest friend and my partner don’t know everything, everyone needs secrets, don’t we? Or is it just me who believes that if you know me 100% you won’t want anything to do with me? I’m not even sure I know 100% everything about me, have I hidden things from my self to keep me happy and safe or do I just now care about some of the things I have done and said to other people?

Do we all just have a collection of masks that we swap and choose depending on the required situation? Or are we just evolving in an ever changing world to hide and adapt easier and faster? Do you even remember the real you? Not the person you want to be or the person you are in front of your friends or family, not the person you are in front of the person you love, I mean the real you? Do you remember that person? The one you hide away in case no one likes them? The person who is not a mast, that person you only let out when it’s only you and no one else is about?

As I type this I have just had someone add me on snap chat by accident as they tried to add their 8 year old family member and we are now reminiscing about how much easier life was when we were younger when being yourself was enough to find friends and be happy in life before everyone became a judge on a talent show that we are all stuck in and none of us make the cut for.

Not to sure if the last sentence made sense but hay this is after all for me so 😝 to those of you don’t understand.

Anyway sadly I’m going to end this blog as I’m starting to ramble and I feel as tho this is a time to stop before is spirals into a blog full of rambling nonsense. So good bye and I will be back soon.

Is It School Or Is It People

“Don’t worry school is not forever, when you leave everyone changes and grows up. Nothing that happens here will matter when you leave” 

The above words echoed in my head the whole way through high school. People’s way of coping with the 6 years you are stuck with people you hate and you can get rid of, day after day. Thankfully school did end but somehow the same way of life contunued day in day out. 

I like in the UK so I don’t know about schools around the world but as for my experience how someone is in school is who they will be when they leave school. I know this is not a nice thing considering how most of us acted in high school but it’s true. 

I work in an office so I am close to those who work with me so I get to know how each person really is and not just the ,act they wear when around management and “childish” is not even close to how one member acts. I had 6 years of high school and I heard less moaning and bitching then that I have in the three and a bit years I have been in this office. It’s bizar to know just how bitchy some people are behind other people’s backs but nice as anything to their faces. 

There is a reason I have my guard up in work and around new people and this is it, no one is who they seem to be and sadly you never know who someone is until they think you can’t hear them. 

Oscar Wilde once said “Give a man a mask and he will show his true face.” And truer words have never been spoken.

Making Friends

How is it that making friends when your young is natural and easy but the second you become an “adult” all of a sudden it’s almost impossiable to go out and make friends that matter to you? 

I remember meeting my best friend (I was late teens) and that was the last true friend I have made randomly. Obviously I have had a few others due to being friends with him but for this thay don’t count as they are friends by proxy. For this I mean fresh friends that have no ties to you to start with, people that you meet and become friends with. 

I know people in work who I class as work friends and I have a handful of friends who I go biking with at the weekends but since making it into my 20s I have found it harder to meet and maintain friendships. 

I like to think I can keep a conversation going, I would like to think that I’m not overly annoying, I just seem to start making people laugh with a joke or two then when I think it’s going well it all fades away into nothing leaving me here questioning if that’s how people are in this day and age. Are we really in an age where you can’t just meet someone and be nice? If opening up to someone really so hard for our generation? Has fearing the unknown made us scared of new people’s? Or maybe is this just how life is these days? Too busy to make and maintain new connections?

I don’t know. 🤔